Blindspot
by hispavox
Summary: This is an old fic I wrote about Spike declaring his feelings for Buffy before "Crush" came along.


"What

Title: Blindspot

Category: Romance

Pairing: S/B

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon. No copyright infringement intended.

Spoilers: Everything before "Crush".

Distribution: Sure, go ahead. Just let me know where.

Author's notes: This was just a short story that I had written a while ago and "rediscovered" recently. 

Feedback: Loved it? Hated it? Let me know why at mjberne@juno.com

BLINDSPOT

By Hispavox (aka Backward Dragon)

Loud arguing could be heard across the cemetery. The voices were angry. One female, one male. Insults abounded and there seemed no end to the verbal sparring. A fanged creature began to close in on them when it was grabbed by the throat.

"Are you crazy?" demanded the attacker, a tall, burly vampire.

"What? I'm hungry," replied the younger creature.

"You'll be dust is what you'll be if you get anywhere near those two."

"Please," the young vampire scoffed. "I could take them on with my eyes closed."

"Don't you know who they are?"

The vampire shook his head.

"Christ, a newbie," groaned the elder vampire. "That is the Slayer and Spike."

"That little twig is the Slayer? And who's Spike?"

"An extremely dangerous mother who kills his own kind. He's also known as William the Bloody."

"*He's* William the Bloody?" exclaimed the young vampire. "I thought he'd be bigger."

"Don't let that fool you boy. The dude is *strong* and *vicious*."

"What's his deal? Why doesn't he just kill her instead?"

"There are all sorts of rumours. C'mon I'll tell you about them, but not here."

"I'm still hungry," whined the young vampire.

"Don't worry buddy. The world is full of humans. Something less dangerous will pop up soon."

They scurried away and the arguing still raged on.

"You son of a bitch!"

"Coming from a bitch it doesn't mean much!"

"You're full of shit Spike."

"And you are a stupid bitch who is going to get herself killed!"

"Like that wouldn't thrill you," she shot back sarcastically.

"You're so fucking blind, I don't know why I bother!" he lashed out.

"I don't either. You must have some sick, perverted agenda!"

Enraged he spit out the next words without thinking:

"I'm in love with you, there's you fucking agenda!"

A sudden silence dropped between them like a wet blanket. Still fuming, Spike stared at Buffy his face contorted in a mask of fury.

"What?!" he demanded brusquely.

"Are…are you..." she stuttered.

"That question will be formulated today, hopefully?"

"Shut up Spike! Are-you-in-love-with-me?"

"Yeah, what of it?" he asked belligerently.

"That's disgusting!"

"No argument here Slayer."

"What?"

"What, what? Did you think that I would cower like a whipped puppy because you know the truth? Understand this Slayer: I didn't ask to fall for you, it just happened. As far as I'm concerned it's a disease and it's cure, time and your venom."

"Some love," she muttered.

"What did you expect babe? Please, please, please Buffy love me back?" Spike made a sound of disgust. "At some point I might have been that pathetic but your hatred and abuse have given me pause to realize that you'll never change because you're so full of "I am the Slayer, Saviour of the World, and good, and wholesome and anybody that's not is on my evil list", that you can't even open your eyes to the possibilities. There are many ways to do good. You think it only counts when it's altruistic. So what if my motives are selfish? Did I want you to notice me? Yes! And if people were helped along the way, why does it matter that I didn't do it for them but for you?"

"Because it does," she replied icily.

"Ah. Truly an insightful answer. Thank you Slayer, I'll be going to bed a little less stupid today. I'm done. Happy slayings!"

He strode off into the night never looking back.

For the next few weeks Buffy did not see Spike at all. He didn't seek her out, no longer hung around the Bronze for a beer or even "that onion thing" that he was so fond of. She thought she might collide into him while on patrol because she knew he liked his "spot of violence" before bedtime but the vampire never showed. 

The weeks stretched on and still nothing. Buffy began to think that he had left town. There was one sure way to find out but her pride prevented her from going to his crypt. Then one day she saw him shortly after sunset on the opposite side of the street. He looked up and merely nodded impassively before moving on. Buffy couldn't explain it but his brush off stung her more than any of his barbs. She was loathed to admit it, but no one was as entertaining or as strong as Spike, two qualities that she craved in a man. Buffy froze with that last thought. All of this worrying about Spike's absence, his cold acknowledgement, was she beginning to have feelings for him? Suddenly a vampire lunged at her and she realized that her steps had taken her directly to the cemetery. Instinctively her hand reached out and staked the creature without hesitation. She tried to rationalize what she was feeling. Of course she had feelings for Spike: He annoyed her and she hated him. There, that was clear. Another vampire materialized in her path. Only, it wasn't so clear, punch, kick, because if that was all, back flip, dodge, why would it matter that he was no longer in her life? Kick, stab. She sidestepped the ashes. 

For the next little while she mulled these thoughts as she dispatched several vampires. When she finished off the last one she had resolved to talk to Willow. But what was there to say? If she was indeed developing feelings for Spike what could she expect in terms of support from the Scooby Gang? She could already hear the comments: "Here we go again!" and "Are you out of your mind?". She of course had the very same concerns but unlike her friends, her life expectancy being on the short side she couldn't just dismiss love, even if it came from Spike. Lord that sounded wrong. She knew her duty as The Slayer, but she also had a duty toward herself; she had to find out if the bleached vampire was on the level or not and how she truly felt about that. Xander would have a fit. Giles would be angry and disappointed. Willow would be worried. She could see Anya and Tara as probably more sympathetic but still it was a stretch. She didn't even contemplate what her mom would say although she knew that she had a soft spot for Spike. All things considered, she decided to keep quiet. After all what was there to say? Spike was in love with her, end of story. So why was the notion so pleasing? She needed to have her head examined. If only Spike were human then it would be so easy to…what? Give in to the attraction? She wasn't stupid. Spike was an attractive male no ifs, ands or buts about it. The first time that Spike had mentioned that he could feel her attraction for him she had pleaded innocence and shock while her treacherous body responded to his nearness. Now that she had analyzed the question to death, she could grudgingly admit to being physically attracted to Spike but as for love, no, that was impossible. Her job was to *save* people and if he could, he would *kill* them for God's sake! Irritated, she thought about patrolling some more but her senses told her there were no other vampires. Instead of going straight home she decided to drop by the Bronze. She needed the distraction of loud music and getting lost in a crowd.

Scanning the dark place Buffy was happily surprised to find Willow and Tara. Seeing her they waved her over.

"Hey guys!"

"Hi Buffy!" her friends greeted her.

"How was patrol?" inquired Tara.

"Yeah, any leads on the mysterious headstone desecrations?" Willow asked.

"Patrol was as usual but I didn't get any information," Buffy answered. "Anything interesting happen so far?" she asked quickly, ashamed that thoughts about a certain vampire had completely made her forget to investigate the matter of the headstones.

"Nothing except for that girl coming on to Spike for the past half hour," commented Willow.

"What, where?" asked Buffy with a stunned expression on her face which Tara noticed.

Willow shook her head to the right. Sure enough, there was Spike laughing at whatever a girl was telling him. A stab of pain shot through Buffy. Her first instinct was to march over there, yank the girl by her hair and slap Spike to wipe the smile off his face. Blushing at her irrational gut response to the situation, Buffy hid her face in her hands.

"Something wrong Buffy?" asked Willow with concern.

"No, no, nothing. Everything is *just* perfect. Hunky-dory, not a care in the world. I'm feeling great, independent and happy-"

"Okay then," interjected Willow cautiously.

"Do I seem "unfine" to you?" the Slayer asked looking defiantly at both her friends.

"No!" replied quickly Willow

"No!" seconded Tara.

Buffy's friends exchanged wondering glances. All the while she never lost sight of Spike. He was holding a mug of beer in one hand and searched his shirt pocket for a cigarette with the other. He seemed at ease with the girl Buffy observed unhappily. She didn't know why she didn't just leave instead of staying and feeling miserable. Suddenly the girl put both her hands around the English vampire's neck and pulled him toward her. That was Buffy's breaking point.

"Guys, I've got to go."

"But you just got here," protested Willow.

"Yeah, but I can't stay."

"Buffy-" tried Willow but Tara squeezed her arm.

"Something's going on with her," whispered Tara in Willow's ear.

"Well, I can see that but she could have talked to us about it."

"I think she needs to sort it out for herself first."

"Tara," her girlfriend admonished her, "what are you not telling me?"

"I don't know anything," said Tara with a little smile.

"Yeah, right," Willow laughed goodnaturedly.

Buffy was so distraught by her inner turmoil that she missed the whispered exchange. She stole a last glance at Spike and was rewarded with the sight of Spike's tongue snaking out between his lips while he leered at the girl. Buffy shook her head to try and put order to her jangled nerves but the tightness in her belly and the vise-like grip around her heart remained.

"I'm out of here," she announced roughly.

"Bye Buffy," both witches said as they watched the Slayer hurry away. 

Almost running, Buffy exited the Bronze and wandered aimlessly. She couldn't go home yet. Not until she had her feelings under control. She was hurt and angry at Spike. Stubborn and proud as she was she refused to try and find the source of her anger. She wouldn't say it. Because if she did then that would mean that she thought about it. And if that happened well, there would be no more denying it. So she continued to walk.

Back at the Bronze Spike was having a hard time getting rid of the girl. At first it had been fun flirting with her. She was bright and witty but as the alcohol started taking its toll, her entertainment value dropped to zero. Now she was feeling amorous and Spike didn't have enough arms to keep her at bay. With a nostalgic sigh for the old chipless days when he could have just rudely shoved her aside, or better yet, killed her, he gently put his hands on the girl's shoulders and started walking as he guided her toward an empty chair.

"There you go luv. Sit a while. Then you should go home."

"Don't you want to come with me?"

"No."

"Can't or won't?" she pouted.

"Both."

"Then what are you doing here? You should be with the person you love," she said bursting into tears feeling suddenly very emotional.

"Oh, Christ," muttered Spike rolling his eyes.

He was grateful when a couple of girls appeared from the ladies room and recognizing the seated girl surrounded her, effectively taking over.

"Right then. Hope you feel better tomorrow."

The girl's glassy eyes acknowledged him and he shook his head. As he turned to leave he spotted Willow and Tara. He made a point of avoiding the witches. The last thing he needed was to talk about Buffy as they invariably would. Frustrated at the mere thought of her he stalked back to his crypt. 

He thought back to the girl at the Bronze and decided that she had the right idea. He would get drunk too. He hadn't indulged much lately mostly because it was expensive and also because while it dulled the pain the after effects were awful. But he needed it tonight. Reaching into the deep pocket of his duster he took out a bottle that he had purchased earlier that night. His plan of acting aloof and distant with Buffy was not working and having that girl flirt shamelessly with him just emphasized what he was missing and with whom. Buffy would never come around. What was the use? It nearly killed him to stay away from her. Seeing her earlier that evening had cost him every bit of control he possessed. To look indifferently at her had hurt him and it seemed that it had all been in vain. Not to mention that he was running out of things to destroy. First to go had been the interior of the crypt. Then there had been his "headstone rage" bit that was too dangerous and likely to bring attention to him so he had stopped. He still needed to unload his pent-up frustration so he hung around at Willy's. The second a non-human customer inasmuch gave Willy the evil eye Spike was all over him. This turned out to be beneficial for both Spike and Willy. The latter because he had an unofficial bouncer and the former because along with the welcomed relief of fighting Willy provided him with free blood. What more could a bloke want? Buffy. Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. Bloody hell that girl was going to be the second death of him. Shrugging off his duster, he popped the cork of the bottle and started to drink.

Buffy had been walking around in circles. She realized that this wasn't getting her anywhere literally and figuratively speaking. On a whim she decided to have it out with Spike. In the back of her mind she knew this plan made absolutely no sense but at least it was a plan. Whatever. With renewed determination she marched to Spike's home. With each step her determination weakened until she reached her destination to realize that she had no idea how to proceed. She sighed and instead of kicking down the door in the usual manner, she knocked. Nothing happened. She tried again with the same result. Pushing the door it gave way and Buffy peered in.

"Spike?"

Slowly she walked in, squinting in the near darkness and gasped at the destruction. Whatever happened here had been violent. A sudden fear gripped Buffy. Her voice rising she walked around calling Spike's name. She found him sitting in a corner a half-empty bottle in his lap. Crouching next to him she shook him gently at first then with force when he wouldn't wake up.

"Oh all right!" he growled "you can stop with the earthquake approach."

"Are you drunk?"

"Hardly. Only a wanker would get pissed on half a bottle."

"Then why the hell didn't you answer the door?"

"Honestly, first it was shock. Everyone just barges in here like it's their given right. And second, I hoped you would just go away."

"Spike I-"

"Look Goldilocks," he interrupted "to paraphrase your own immortal words to me: Five words or less."

Buffy frowned. He definitely wasn't going to make this easy.

"You. Me. Talk."

"Impressive. But I've changed my mind. Get out."

Buffy controlled the urge to hit him. Gritting her teeth she said:

"We can do this the easy way or not."

"I hope there's a point to all this Slayer. Because you're rambling and I'm tired."

"Spike! God, you can be so aggravating!"

"Aggravating? Oh, I like the sound of that."

"I swear you're this close to be swept by a broom."

"Oh, that's rich. Anymore like that one? Honestly honey you must change your repertoire it's really tiresome."

"What's it take?" she yelled exasperated.

"You're singing my song."

"Spike, you said you were in love with me-"

Spike shook his head with resignation interrupting what she was saying and stood up.

"All right. Let's have it, the indignation, the disgust and so on and so forth, insert a few slaps, or better yet, since we know the routine so well, let's just fast forward to the part where you get the fuck out of here!" The last words he shouted having worked himself up in a fine frenzy.

Totally disregarding his tirade Buffy bellowed:

"If you're in love with me what the hell are you doing flirting with some girl?!"

Startled, Spike fixed his gaze on her.

"Were you at the Bronze tonight?"

"Duh?!"

Spike pursed his lips, nodded and took a few steps away from her.

"Did it bother you?" he asked, not looking at her.

"What?"

"Did it bother you? Yes or no."

"Yes. No! I mean…I don't know what I mean," she replied confused and weary.

Resting her back against the wall she slid down and sat, her arms wound around her drawn-up knees. Spike studied her for a while. He could have a field day with her admission. So what was more appealing? A brassed off, hurt slayer or attempting an adult conversation with her? Never one to back down from a challenge Spike opted for the latter and joined her sitting beside her on the cold cement floor. They sat in silence for a long time neither knowing exactly how to start.

"I don't understand why I can insult you and kick your ass but I can't have a normal conversation with you."

Spike looked at his hands.

"Well," he started "If we didn't fight and bicker all the time we'd have to think why we keep doing the things we do. The whole thing's a pretense. You know that you're not going to kill me and I'm not going to kill you."

"Boy, if that isn't love I don't know what is," she stated sarcastically.

Spike sighed impatiently.

"Slayer," he growled. "Do you think you could focus?"

"Sure. Killing and love. Yep, definitely a normal conversation."

"There's nothing normal about either one of us."

When she said nothing he glanced sideways at her and marveled that such a small, beautiful girl held on her shoulders an ever-balancing world between the light and the darkness.

"You know Slayer," he said slowly, "whatever we decide, nothing will ever be the same again after tonight."

When she still said nothing Spike made up his mind. Twisting his body he turned and crouched in front of her so he could better see her eyes. Buffy felt her insides ache with the intuition that something important was about to happen. It was like standing on the edge of a precipice whipped by powerful gales. The urge to flee to safety was incredibly strong but so was the need to see what was waiting for her on the other side if she only dared to take that leap of faith. Her heart in her throat, she steeled herself and forced herself to look back at him. The moonlight filtered in bathing them both in shades of blue.

"So here it is Buffy," began Spike in a low and serious voice. "I love you. Without reservations. I can't give you children. I can't promise you a "happily ever after". I can't be one of your wanker boyfriends and I don't know that I'll ever do something good for another person of my own free will. But, I will be your staunchest ally, I will help others to please you, I will never allow your life to get boring, I will love you more and better than you ever have been before and I will never, ever leave you. If you can live with all this, then take me, because I'm already yours."

Buffy stopped breathing for a moment. Her vision swam as tears gathered in her eyes and she couldn't help the tremor that shook her body as she choked out his name. Instantly he pulled her to him and was thrilled when he felt the hammering of her heart. He knew without false modesty that he was the reason her heart pounded so and he only wished that his were alive so she could experience his elation. Although he was dying to kiss her, he also did not want to break this idyllic moment. She would probably never be this vulnerable again and he needed her to trust him, not only with her life but also with her heart. So he held her until she relaxed in his arms. Her face was pressed against his shoulder when she began to giggle. Spike tried to pull her head back but she just held him tighter and continued giggling.

"What's so funny?" he whispered in her ear.

"This is insane. Absolute madness. So why does it feel so right?"

"Mmm. Is that how you're going to explain it to Giles?"

Buffy laughed imagining it.

"No actually I was going to pretend that we are both under a spell gone wrong."

"Really?" he asked slowly, staring at her mouth.

"Really," replied Buffy with a catch in her voice. 

Hypnotized by his stare, she unconsciously licked her lips. Spike groaned and Buffy's world narrowed to only him and how he was making her feel. They moved toward one another with excruciating slowness, savoring the irresistible pull and feeling a little awkward at the newness of the situation. The first touch of their lips was lazy and sensual and they both whimpered with relief. Soon however it wasn't enough, and while the tension of their need escalated, their kisses became rough, hungry and demanding.

"I can't get enough of you Buffy," he whispered hoarsely in her ear.

Buffy took advantage of his bared neck and with the flat of her tongue ran the length of it before suckling at the juncture of his neck and shoulder. Spike growled deep in his throat.

"You like that?" she teased.

"Stealing my m.o. now?" he said while his mouth sought hers.

"Only for you," she laughed evading him.

"You talk too much."

"Do something about it." 

"God, I do so love a challenge!"

He kissed her deeply then, devouring her mouth while his hands squeezed her hips. She was soft, pliant in his arms and so very warm. Spike was in his heaven. The fact that she returned his kisses with so much passion further cemented his devotion. It also wreaked havoc with his self-control. Needing to feel the whole of her body pressed to his, he gently pushed her backward and settled between her legs. Buffy ran her fingers in his short hair and pulled him to her. God, he felt good. What was it about the feel of a man's weight on her body that was so intoxicating? Now Spike was moaning and groaning and it sent fires through her. She really loved his deep voice and his accent was just an added bonus. Buffy could feel the coiled tension in his body and reveled in it. Every time he shuddered in her arms a thrill shot through her. While their mouths and tongues mated, Buffy busied her hands by roaming Spike's back under his black T-shirt. Her mind drifted to a happy place where only she and Spike existed. Suddenly, out of nowhere, an uninvited thought started to gnaw at her. What if all this changed Spike? She didn't want that. She wanted the arrogance, the swagger, and the wit. She realized that as aggravating as he could be, that's how she liked him best.

"We will continue to fight, right?" she asked out of the blue, panting and trying to catch her breath.

Spike's passion filled brain registered the question but was at a loss to understand it until he looked into her worried eyes. He pulled away and took her with him so that she sat in his lap.

"Absolutely. It's who we are. Hold on a minute, it's too dark in here, I'm going to light a candle."

Buffy laughed as he jostled her and cursed while searching for a candle in the mess around them. Having found one, he lit it with his lighter and placed it in a broken cup. The flame illuminated them bathing them in flickering tones of gold.

"Besides," he resumed, "you are too much of a "Goody-two-shoes". Someone has got to be there to put you back in your place. You know, a little evil to balance your goodness. All part of my master plan not to let you get bored. In order to have fun, you always need a little wickedness and I'm just bad enough for it," he smirked.

"That you are Spike," she said kissing his cheek. "You know, I love what you've done with the place it's got that "Martha Stewart on crack-cocaine" feel to it."

"Well, what can I say? You were the inspiration."

"Me?" Buffy's mind worked quickly. "I guess I just solved the mystery of the desecrated headstones."

"Give the girl a prize," he teased as he worshiped the column of her neck with open-mouthed kisses making Buffy squirm.

They rolled to the floor and resumed their explorations, each one trying to outdo the other by finding what made them writhe and moan with pleasure. Things were rapidly getting out of hand and uncomfortable.

"Spike?" murmured Buffy trying to get his attention.

"What is it baby?" he asked his eyes dark with lust.

"First, I want you so badly-"

She was unable to finish as Spike crushed her mouth with his own. God, he was good at this. What was it she wanted to say? It came back to her as a piece of cement dug in her back.

"Spike could we take this elsewhere?" she managed to say out of breath.

The vampire looked around then back at Buffy.

"What? You don't fancy love among the ruins?" he said with humor.

"Not so much, no."

Spike chuckled as he stood up.

"Don't worry luv. This isn't where I wanted to do this anyway," he told her as he helped her to her feet.

"Could have fooled me," she said dusting herself off.

"Nah. That was just me getting back at you."

Buffy's movements froze.

"What do you mean?" she asked, fighting her rising panic.

Spike saw her face change colour and was quick to reassure her, taking her in his arms.

"Relax, baby, relax. It's not what you're thinking. I just wanted to work you up good and proper and then let you stew just a little bit because God knows I've been stewing for the past few months."

Buffy shook her head with mock indignation.

"Then what?"

"Then, the best sex you've ever had," he said leering at her.

"Arrogant much?" she exclaimed as he picked up his duster and walked past her.

"I've been doing it for over a hundred years and I've learned a thing or two along the way. Think about that."

She did and her belly tightened pleasantly at his words. When Spike saw that Buffy was lagging behind he returned to her side. He could tell that she was still reeling from what he'd said. Leaning, he whispered softly and confidently in her ear:

"Hang on tight Slayer, I'm going to rock your world."

-The End-


End file.
